Feel Those Feelings You Feel, My Guy
The other day I almost cried. This episode would've made it the second time this year for me. It's been a few months since the first. Nine, to be exact. It was back in January when my loved ones came out to my new place to celebrate my birthday and return to the east coast from the Twilight. It was the first time I got to be in a room with the people I truly loved since being released from the terrors of solitary confinement. I cried tears of utter joy and ecstasy. An abundance of emotions erupted with such force; I couldn't control myself. Flowing tears were the visible result. Flash forward to the other day, I woke up from a panic attack triggered by fleeting thoughts I let enter my head the night before. Life came at me fast. A series of unforeseen events cascaded down on my life completely out of my control. Because we all hate when we can't control things, right? Major plans, some including the blog, were disrupted out of nowhere. Boom...once again, an abundance of emotions tucked away (this time negative emotions) surfaced the crater and wanted to erupt. It was the first time in my life I've experienced a sort of paralysis from manic thoughts like that.
Initially, I was frantic, and it took me a few hours to settle enough to think straight. Max was the only person who could speak some level of peace into my racing mind. Those fortunate enough to know Max in the slightest capacity know he has such a way of calming frenetic thoughts, given he has been through his fair share of life events and mounted them victoriously. I reflected on our convo and concluded I needed to feel all of what I was feeling. Oftentimes, we crave and desire those "good" feels -- the feels accompanied by warmth. So we look for and pull from what feels good to us, and we try to stay there. But recently, I can say that I've become more proficient in allowing myself to be curious by pushing through discomfort and examining why it is I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I'm talking about the appearance of those bitter feels -- the feels that don't always sit right with me.
I used to believe there was a level of resilience associated with stifling feelings and emotions. Societal and cultural gender norms often nurture men this way. I stood erect in the notion that being rigid and ignoring the almighty voice of my subconscious telling me how I truly felt about things yielded macho results. Crazy right? That don't make no damn sense. But the beautiful thing I've realized about getting older and settling in this incessant lesson we call life is that it grants us many opportunities to continue maturing and growing out of half-witted mindsets and behaviors. There's little to no benefit from suppressing your emotions or feelings from yourself. Let your body feel, and allow yourself to listen to your inner self truly. You might receive a word.
To all my fellas out there, it's okay to feel. I've learned a few things in my life that are certain. One of which is you will endure moments that bring joy and moments that elicit feelings of discomfort. Both are inevitable, but what lies as the common denominator between the two are the emotions following these events. There's a lot to learn from being in tune with your emotions - not just the pleasant ones. As always, be gentle and patient with yourself throughout this journey. Feel those feelings you feel, my guy. And don't be surprised if you discover something new about yourself.
"You have to feel your way through this life thing. If you lose the ability to feel, then you might as well consider yourself not living." - Anonymous.